Important Emails

In the gloomy afternoon, when most of us have had our lunch and are usually hanging our heads in distress and lethargy while fighting with sleep and there are noises called burps and snores, I saw an email popping up in my phone. It was on a personal email address that I keep for important communications. In case you wonder what rises up to the category, I use it for crappy contests I never win. Also, for making baseless notes.
All emails, yes all of them, are labeled important. My eyes dilated in hope when I unlocked the phone. The email shouted this: We are sorry to inform you that you haven’t won the so and so contest the winner of which will be awarded $100. The winner will be announced at 3pm, so stay tuned.
I did, despite my slo-mo, wrathful fortune. Half an hour later I had another inbox crying this out: Apologies for wrong information distributed in the previous email. The prize money is $150. Stay tuned…
This time the email wished me Happy participating!

Was there a slow applause in the background? No, I think it was an uproarious laughter. A dirty snicker, actually. Damn.

The nasty self

Everybody talks to self and some of us even take it seriously. One night, I had trouble convincing my other self that it must stop it’s talk. It’s talk— frivolous, pretentious of being grave and like most of the times, a threat to my peace. Problems in the world are many, and they are all dung and dust unless they concern human development, freedom, justice and peace. Although there are certain other family issues that should bother me, like forgetting the lunch bag at home and getting to be hauled at by mother, or my sister stunning father by putting cool Whatsapp statuses, or when father manages to inspect my display pictures, which he usually thinks are not suitable — every time for a new reason. He’s so much like an unhappy manager at times.
My other self argued that the issue was of equal significance. It was this: I believed that I had hurt a colleague and my other self was pressing me to apologise. All I wanted was to escape. I then asked my other self to better be quiet and it snapped back. It said, ‘I was minding my own business till you started digging your nose.’
I really do not dig my nose but my other self ensures that it says all the nasty things it can make up against me. It was not sane enough to abuse my other self, which is after all ‘self’, however sheepish and peevish. So I tried to shut the voice. I began singing, to which my other annoying self replied, ‘You sing well, but have
you heard someone fart?’
Then I imagined my other self raising its monstrous chin and nodding. ‘It’s just slightly better.’
What a great simile!
‘You bloody monster! It’s slightly better than the sound of a fart?’
‘No! Haha. I mean the fart sounds just better.’
I imagined the monstrous self banging a table.
There’s a popular term in Hindi for fools. It translates into English as lid. And my other self is the lid of the box that was never made.
It said so softly, ‘Yeah, I know you don’t like me, but isn’t that just your personal choice?’

6 Things you shouldn’t be embarrassed about!

It’s not embarrassing if,

1. You are caught locking up your zipper in a public place.

2. You Come out of the washroom with your skirt pulled up.

3. You are caught doing noisy things in the washroom.

4. You forget to lock the washroom door and are caught inside in action.

5. You love clicking funny pictures of yourselves and 9 out of 10 ten times you are caught by strangers.

6. At any party, the tray falls short of a cupcake everytime when it’s your turn to pick one.

Time for a name change!

Aisharam

image

Women to Medical Science:

You have a cure for cancer but not for my hair-loss?

10 things you envy women for

There are some situations where gender discrimination is a welcome for us. Here’s a look at  what leaves men envious:

From a man’s perspective:

  1. Women wear skirts and sleeveless shirts as formal clothing to office and you wonder why eyebrows are raised when you wear half-sleeved shirt on a Tuesday.

    Can you dare wear this to office?

    Can you dare wear this to office?

  2. From neon green to scarlet red, women dress in any colour just to wear their mood. Do you remember the last time you wore a printed purple? Yeah, the day when you were asked if you were heading straight to the beach.Photo credit: svpply.comPhoto credit: aliexpress.com
  3. During monsoons, they wear open feet sandals and sometimes plastic slippers to office and nobody cares. Imagine if you wear gum boots to office, they will stare you to death!
  4. These women, I tell you, they bump into the general compartment of the train and don their innocent faces expecting you to spring up from your seats and drop down to their feet. Aren’t they aware they have a ladies’ compartment to their name? I say bring me the creature who coined the word ‘chivalry’!!
  5. If train was not enough, they have sufficient number of seats reserved for them in the bus. But hey, look at the womanhood they portray by sitting anywhere but the seats reserved for them! They want you poor men to keep gazing at the empty ladies’ seats waiting for women, and only women, to occupy.Photo credit: memegenerator.net
  6. They have all the comforts for being punctual but they always show up late, and when they do, it’s implicitly understood by all that women have a home to take care of. And, when you are late to office, you are asked to JUSTIFY every nanosecond that added to your late coming.
  7. When a woman acts stupid, the world calls her cute. Come on, locking the door and forgetting the keys inside isn’t cute! When a man does the same thing he is branded a fool, an irresponsible man and an idiot.
  8. Women barge into the middle of a long queue and get away with a smile, but when you wriggle to move across a queue, your eardrums are bombarded with the choicest of words.
  9. You are shown the door when you go to buy a soft drink from a shop that’s about to close and some others, better known as women, are given closing time discounts!
  10. Women’s day! Free gifts, heavy discounts, pleasant greetings, flowers and cards! All these only for women. Wish there was a Men’s day or a Human’s day at least?

Let me leave you with a picture that will help you take your revenge…

Enjoy 😀

Annoy me at your own risk… Part 1

What irritates me?

Amongst the plethora of people and situations that have managed to annoy me and have forced me to roll my eyes, I choose a few to return the kind favours to.

(photo credit: corbisimages.com)

Yes, I get annoyed…

When I’m in the theatre watching a movie and you try to impress your wife by predicting every scene and dialogue to her. May I ask you a question? What is she doing in a movietheatre if she cannot see things for herself? Or, does she treat you as a pet? And by the way, what do you think you are? A great story-teller? Better than the director of the movie that you are watching? Leave all that foretelling and forecasting at home and let others watch the movie! Puhlease…

When you chew your food like a horse making enough noise for people around you to bestow on you a standing ovation and run away! I bet you, you will beat even Poonam Pandey when it comes to attention grabbing tactics…bows to you…

When you try to peep in to see what message I’ve been typing in my mobile phone. My Ghosh! Were you a part of the American paparazzi? And why do these techies invent new technological devices when they know there aren’t enough people to leave you alone with privacy??

I’m already late and there’s a queue of a million people for buses and taxis. Have all the companies conspired together to make us late for office? Can’t they have different timings so these vehicles can sustain the pressure and balance us passengers?

When I make a visit to the washroom after continuous hours of work only to find it full. I know ladies, your pretty faces keep us fresh in the busy, boring office life and we prefer to see your countenances more than our computer screens but we cannot, really, we just can’t afford it. Come on! Get a life outside the washroom.

You have cold? Oh really? That sound comes only when meteorites fall in Russia’s rivers or a Tsunami hits Japan. How do you even manage to produce it from your humble nose? Hello, there are better places to showcase your latent skills.

An auto rickshaw. (photo credit: sbioak.com)

I come rushing to catch the rickshaw and the lady gets down so that I get myself squeezed in the middle? Excuse me, I do not have any problem sitting inside. In fact you will lose some 100 grams of calorie if I make you get down when my destination comes first. Let the monsoons come and I will be eager to see if you stick to this strategy! (We have auto rickshaws that lack doors and have manageable space for 3 passengers. People prefer sitting outside for reasons like space, ease of alighting.)

Mumbai Local Train (photo credit: know.burrp.com)

Hey lady, I know when I was buying a ticket for the Mumbai local train I was actually subscribing to a low-cost, unwanted body massage true acrobatic style, but do you realise that I am a human being and not a kickboxing bag! If you want to get down from the train, I have a pair of efficiently functioning ears which are, thankfully, still safe from your recurrent attempts of scraping my skin out of my frame. With your Jasmine hair oil meet salty sweat, the aroma has been tremendously un-pleasant. Now, allow me to take a breath!

You saw me coming out of a corporate bus tired and torn and you ask me the million dollar question, “you work here?” My answer to you is, “no, this bus is actually a museum cum spa I had gone to visit. Would you mind joining me the next time? It’s free of charge. And you can see how rejuvenated I feel.” Are you crazy? Can’t you see the Identity card hanging around my neck? You must be daring enough to ask me such a question!

You ask me why I never attend your phone calls. My phone is witness, I have been waiting for you to ask me this. Do you now have the heart to hear the answer?

Are you asking me for my comments on your looks? Promise me I’ll be spared if I tell the truth and I swear I’ll be honest. And that’s not going to be your fault, for everything looks yellow from a jaundiced eye and that eye belongs to me.

(Note: Take it with a pinch of salt ;))

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